This is for you, dad ♥

Hello Daddy, long time no see. Hope everything is good up in the clouds.

Everything was going smoothly for a few years and I thought life was getting back to normal, but no it had to happen again.

Today is one of those days, which I can not wait until it is over and a day that I dread throughout the year: because this is the day that you was taken from me those two years ago to be with mummy, a day that feels like yesterday. The day spent crying and breaking down because I do not know what to do, I am lost without you. I remember every second, every hundredth second and every breath that I took when I found you in the early morning when my whole life would be changed forever.

No more going  to the seaside.

No more going to cafes to have dinner or breakfast.

No more watching Bargain Hunt.

No more playing cards and solitaire.

No more cooking you breakfast in bed.

No more bed days on Sundays.

No more hugs, chats or kisses – the worst one.

I will never ever be the same, never be able to live my life like my friends who are full of life and having the best time of their life, and not having to worry about bills, money and handling everything on my own. Having constant flashbacks of that day and the whole of that Christmas. Yeah.. when it happened I was 18, and in my opinion I was still a child. At that age where do you start, how can you manage EVERYTHING? Even a 35 year old finds it hard to manage a family and all the finances, how am I going to cope? Somehow two years on I am still surviving just, not coping, just surviving – because I am not saying everything is O.K, things are just alright for now.

This is a topic I normally try not to think about and most importantly talk about with anyone. Only a handful have truly seen me through the hardest times over the past 24 months. People say to me ‘you are so strong,’ ‘i do not how you do it’ and ‘you are coping so well.’ In regard to them, you do not see me behind closed doors. Friends and family members know that I am normally a bubbly, smiley, loud and chatty person to be around, but truly that is a hard act to put up when secretly in my brain and my heart I am crumbling to the floor. I do not like letting my feelings out to people, in particular my friends, I do not like putting my stress and problems on everyone and I just want everyone to be happy, so this is why I keep everything hidden, it is for the best, and that is how it has been since 2010.

Not having any parents has become the ‘norm’ for me, which it should not be, but sometimes it can not be helped. For me this is my life everyday and all I will have to do is make the best of every situation. On a positive it has taught me to not take anything for advantage and to cherish everything little memory and every little photo like it was the last. It has made me a better friend, sister, niece and girlfriend. I have had the motivation to push myself and at times it has failed and I am sorry, all I want to do is make you and mummy proud of me. I have got a new job now as a tutor so that is a plus and the new flat is looking better everyday. Also, you do not have to worry about me being alone, because Bill, his family, Matt and Daniel is looking out for me every little step of the day – they have been amazing. For now, I will say goodnight and sleep tight. I always think about you and miss you and love you more as each day goes past.

I hope you like the lights and candles I got you, say hi to mum and give her a big kiss.




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