“I feel unhappy. I am so sad. I lost the best friend. That I’ve ever had.” A quote from one of my favourite songs at the moment, Changes, by Ozzy Osbourne and Kelly Osbourne and to me, a fitting quote which sums up how I feel on a day to day basis.
Today seems to be a bit more difficult, I think it is because University work is getting a bit tougher, and therefore I feel more stressed in general. I am trying to keep things together, but I am starting to feel that the cracks are becoming clear. Although, today I did get through the day quite easily, getting motivated this morning was a struggle, but at least I got up and went into University and did something with my day.
I think, realistically, it is going to get harder by the day. I mean I can’t really help that, it is just how it must go. I just want them to be here with me putting up Christmas decorations and just having dinner around a table with them, you know little things, but honestly, these little things really ARE everything. I took advantage of them, for sure, I mean we all do, I still take advantage of things as I am used to how things are, but of course things change. So when that change rocks your world that is when you come crashing back down to Earth and realize how lucky you was and are. You wish you could have done more, seen more, say more and just live more. Of course dwelling and regretting the past gets you no-where in the present, but it is hard not to think about what you could have done and what if you did.
So memory number two of memory lane, is my last every birthday party with both my mum and dad. I was hitting the the big 1-3, and my parents decided to hire out a hall for me and some friends with a DJ, and believe me this was so cool for a 12 year old at the time. I had all my friends there and had a really good night. Although my mum was ill she stayed as long as she could with me, although it wasn’t the whole night, it was great that she was there at all. Although that was nearly 8 years ago it probably was my favourite memory of my life which I will treasure forever. She dressed me up in all white, an outfit which she helped me pick and brought for me. There are so many photos from that night of everyone having fun and dancing the killer tunes from S Club 7 and Blue.
Although I know it did happen, sometimes it doesn’t feel real as it seems so long ago, but in no time at all the photos remind me of that amazing night, which I will never forget.
I miss you Mum, thank you for everything and being there for me for 13 years and preparing me for being an adult. You are my star, the brightest their is in the sky.
I wish I could have had more time with you. I am so jealous of everyone who gets to sit down at night at talk to their mum on the phone about the latest gossip in their life, I wish I could do that too. I just want you home where you belong and be a family again. I would do anything to see you again, just for one minute. I do not want to look at photos any more, I want to make more memories with you and share more amazing and fun moments together. Don’t get me wrong I am lucky that you was even a part of my life. I had such an incredible angel by side, and what makes it great, is that I called you Mum.
As you may know already, I am doing 25 posts up to Christmas day, in order to distract myself that I am in the most horrible month, as both my mum and dad passed away during December (click the links if you want to read more about it.) I kicked off yesterday, with my first blog!