All I want for Christmas is you, Mum and dad: Day four

This post is a little late as I really didn’t feel like writing last night as I got some terrible news yesterday which put me in such a bad mood.

Just want to say, the featured image is probably one of my favourite I ever took. I think this was one of the last photos I took of my Dad and this literally sums him up. He was funny, joyful and just a good person to be around. This was when he pretended to be a gangster as I told him you need to fit in when you walk the dog as we used to live in the ‘ghetto.’ He laughed, and this is the end result, him being a gangster.

As Michael Bublé said it’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, so let’s be positive today. This post will be about my journey and how far I have come over the four years since I became an orphan at 17. I’m not going to lie to you and say that I cope, because most of the time I don’t. I think it is just a habit that I am used to and therefore it gets a little easier each day as you have learnt what you need to do to cope and used to it being the ‘norm.’

I would say 10% of each day I actually am normal, in the sense that it feels nothing has happened and things are all ok. This is normally when I see friends or I when I go away in different towns or on holiday. 40% of the time I am worrying about things which either haven’t even happened or flashbacks and the other fifty percent I am just getting on with and doing good things, like going to university. If you asked me a year ago I would say that 90% of my time was filled with worry and not doing anything and only 10% was doing good things. I never went out and I didn’t feel safe to go out. I felt like I would just bring every down and therefore it would be better for me to stay in bed. I felt like this until early this year to be honest. This has all changed. Right now, I feel like I’m in a good place and although things sometimes are not straight forward, but in life what is?! I have realised that it won’t bring me now and break me.

At the time I didn’t notice what I was doing and I thought it was the best option for me to deal with things, but it just made me worse. People around me started to loose motivation as I wouldn’t listen when they said I was the only person who could really change things. When people genuinely try and help you, you don’t appreciate or see it when you are so low. They are not to blame, I mean they tried and they did help in the end and I managed to change things for myself and here is where I am today, but my brain just had too much hold over me back then and I felt trapped and unable to do even basic daily tasks.

Here I am, four years later and although I still have days that I am in bed, they have become less of an occurrence. I have started to have a structure in my university life and in my personal life which I have embraced and not hid from, and I think this is the most important foundations to deal with my problems. I am able to talk more freely about what has happened without feeling scared about what other people think or react, which is key – you can’t just bottle it in like I did, it makes it harder. It’s hard to talk to people about something they have no idea about which is not their fault, but by talking to them they can learn to understand what it is about and be more beneficial for you. I’m not going to apologise for how my life is, I can’t control that, and I want to share my story as it’s unique and I want to tell people that you can get through difficult times in your life, just have hope and listen to those who are around you, because even though you don’t believe it, they love you and care about you more than you ever will realise.

Which brings me on to say, I have such a good support network, I mean I can’t thank everyone enough. People really underestimate how much each of you mean to me and I honestly could not of done any of this without you, maybe I could have, but your support allowed me to have more confidence in myself and able to believe that I can do this. Your support has made me feel that I am not alone and I can turn to you when I need help or advice. This journey would have been ten times more difficult without you all and I definitely wouldn’t be in the safe place I am today. I love you all so much and I am immensely grateful for your kindness, loyalty and just companionship.

This life event has taught me that there is good in all people and everyone should be cared about and loved and no one should be judged, as you don’t know what thoughts or experiences they have, and believe me one comment, one evil look, could really push them over the edge. Just be kind and good things will happen.

The worst day of the year is coming up and it has reached the 3 day countdown. My emotions and thoughts are all over the place right now, so please bare with me, and thanks again for just reading these posts and just showing an interest in this experience.

Have a nice day everyone!

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One thought on “All I want for Christmas is you, Mum and dad: Day four

  1. Pressing ‘like’ doesn’t seem right but I thought I should acknowledge having read your post. I’m missing one parent and that’s hard enough in my 30s. (Ugh… I can’t believe I now have to say I’m in my 30s!)

    I do like that you have a good support network though. It was a relief to read that towards the end. I’m pleased you’re feeling in a better place now and good luck with your uni course. Mollie x

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