So yesterday it was the start of the weekend which I know will be hard to get through. Every minute I will be thinking about the final moments I had with my best friend, I mean I did all I could, but I can’t help but think what I could have done to prevent it.. But maybe it was just meant to be at the time. The fact that he won’t be here with me for the rest of my life is a scary thought, I mean it’s been 4 years, and it seems like a lifetime already.
You know what the most saddest thing is about all of this, it doesn’t even feel like I had any parents, as I am so used to being without them. I don’t want to forget their faces, voices and memories, but sometimes I have to really really think about it, which frustrates me as what daughter/son has to do that. I wonder why it has happened to me and why everyone else can be happy and be with their families, which everyone deserves in this world. Sometimes the shock of it is very hard to come to terms with. Then when people talk about mum and dads and what funny things they have done this week or what annoying things they have done. I literally have nothing to say. Although I can say so many things about my memories and other things they did, but that is just it, they did. They no longer do anything and I feel I can’t engage in conversations as I don’t want people to feel awkward and I don’t want to get upset, but I mean, hopefully in time I can, but I mean I really want them to still be here.
Right now my mind is full of thoughts of the last hours I had with my dad. They aren’t really thoughts I like but around this time of year they are in my mind more than ever. I am glad that the last person he saw was me and I’m glad I was with him in his last moments. I won’t ever forget that day for the rest of my life and finding him so cold and so still. I never thought I would see the day.
This weekend seems to be a long one and my coping mechanism is to sleep through it as I don’t want to realise that the day my dad left me is coming at a fast rate. And if that isn’t enough I have my dads birthday and my mums anniversary in the space of two weeks, I am going to be so drained, but knowing that they are close will get me through. I am a fighter.
Until then I think I’ll just have a detox and be with my thoughts. I will look up at the skies and find the brightest stars and think of you and mummy. Sleep well.