A letter to my angels: Mum and Dad

Only one day to go until December starts, and for many, this is a time of year where everyone is rushing around to get last minute presents and spending quality time with loved ones, and that goes for me as well, but no matter how many people I have around me and what exciting things I get up to in the festive period, there is still a big part of me missing..

I’m not sure if each December gets easier, or just comes round too quickly, but I know as soon as it does come, it will be a struggle to get through the 31 days. Of course, it is infectious when I see children smiling and excited to see what Santa has given them and I do enjoy seeing people happy, but there always is a part of me that wishes I can join them and be happy.

This is the 5th Christmas I will have without any parents and sometimes I have to process it in my mind in order to realise that this is my life. I’ll be honest with you all, most of the time it does not seem real, which is probably why I get through each day without any trouble at all. Of course, I am not a robot, and I do have feelings, so sometimes I will crash to the ground and it is hard to get back up, but somehow and somewhere deep inside I find the strength to get on with things. The saddest thing for me is that this has become my life, I mean I can’t hide from it, I have to embrace it. So in theory as I am so used to it, sometimes I block it out and numbness kicks in..

I look upon this life event as one of the most hardest but also the most life-changing event of my life, and I mean that in a positive way. I have become stronger, I have learnt to forgive and not hold grudges, I have learnt to reflect and learn from things, I try and fill my brain with kindness and good thoughts and see the best in things and people. Most importantly I remain positive.

If you asked me four years ago what I would be doing, I wouldn’t know. I was lost, confused and lonely. I had no optimism for the future and not having any parents to guide me, I mean, where would I start? And now, I look at myself. Although there have been down times, exhausting times, stressful times and sad times, there have also been brilliant, amazing, surreal and happy times. At 17 I moved house and started to become an adult. I have gone back to University and I have loved it. I have had breakthroughs in my Journalism career and on top of that, I still have many good people around me which fill with me love and motivation. So in fairness, life is great.

I would like to highlight though, that ANYONE can do ANYTHING if you put your mind to it. I know this too well. Before all this happened I had an amazing life I had two well parents, a dog and I was living together with my family. I had no worries, I had money which I could spend on anything and not on bills and I felt secure and stable. The one worry that I did have was if anything happened to my parents, which is normal, and I thought it something happened I wouldn’t survive. Now, it has been 8 years since I saw my mum and 4 years since I saw my dad, and I am still here, smiling. Sometimes you shock yourself on how much you can deal with and how well you are at dealing with difficult situations.

Next year I have Graduation, which will be a bitter-sweet time, and I am moving in January, which I can’t WAIT for. Although it will still be a rocky road and I’m not saying that things are 100% amazing, because they will never be.Over the years I have developed as a person and although I have been thrown into the deep end and have experienced things and seen things that most people I know haven’t even been close to, I would not change my life for the world. I am a strong believer that “what ever happens, happens for a reason” which I still believe until this day. If you believe you can do something, you can. Don’t listen to anyone’s negativity and do what makes you happy and successful. Yes, you may have to leave some people behind, but who cares, you are probably better off without them.The more you become yourself and become independent, the more you realise that you truly can succeed.

Because of this life event, I know nothing that life throws at me will break me. 

I know you are proud of me and are guiding me, so I thank you for supporting me. I love you.

P.S: If you want to read more about this life event I wrote two of the hardest blogs last year about the events that happened on the 22nd December 2006 and the 8th December 2010. 

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21 things I miss about being young

Sometimes I think, I’M SO OLD. So when I look in the mirror and think “Ew who is that ugly, old thing” looking back at me, I am happy to think that once, even if it was a long time ago, I was a young pretty thing… oh those were the days.

Here is my top 21 things I want back in my life!

21. 

You can be entertained for hours by a piece of hair. I mean now all these young ones have i-This and i-That, I mean they get bored so easily. I miss the days where I literally would be given a piece of tissue and I would be happy for hours. Someone come and give me some tissue.. preferably not used.

20.

Classwork = biscuit and nap time. If only that could happen now, being rewarded for eating a biscuit, nowadays I would win that challenge hands-down. The heaps of papers, books and coursework I get given from Uni definitely makes me want to have a nap.. and never wake up.

19.

Everyone is your friend. You could get on a bus and everyone would like you because you are a small person. People would start a conversation with you using only three words: “Yes” “Hello” “Bye” and your day was made. I wish it was that easy now to make friends, if you even smile at someone nowadays people call 999.

18.

Money was limitless. Although your parents may of not had the most money in the world, any money given to you was like winning the lottery. All the money would go to a good cause: The Corner Shop. You would walk out with bags of sweets in your arms feeling like a god, until mum and dad says you are only allowed one sweet and then bed.

17.

Kiss and make-up. Falling out with friends only lasted for an hour, and quite frankly, you probably forgot about it after swapping pokémon cards and sharing stickers.

16.

Watching films when under-aged. The shock and horror when your Mum and Dad covered your eyes during a violent scene or them dreaded sex scenes and you acted all innocent like you didn’t know what was going on. If it happened I just would leave the room to get a ‘drink.’ Probably the most awkward thing to do…

15.

The sleepovers. You eat pizza until you felt sick and you did loads of friendship tests from magazines like SmashHits whilst getting your nails done.. really badly.

14.

Addiction to subscribed magazines. I was the worst at this, plus I never finished them! Each week, or every two weeks I would be so excited to get the magazine, I mean the gift that came with it. I definitely had a CraftCrazy one, Rugrats one and Horrible Histories.

13.

Wicked times on WKD. I’m not sure if it was because it was blue or just because it looked like it spelt WICKED, but it was a gift from heaven when my dad let me have a glass at Christmas. Them times when you thought you was ‘off ya nut’ after having one sip.

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12. 

Being fearless for no reason. If you saw a scary dark place you would run towards it, not away from it. If someone told you don’t. you did anyways. Maybe I was a rebel, but I would just run through the park at night because I was an effing don and no-one could touch me.    

11.

Believing anything that you got told. Today we would call you gullible and naive, but back then we didn’t know any different. For years I thought there was a witch living in my loft and also got told that S.C is real and would come down our chimney, although we had none and lived in a flat. I always believed he came through the window.. and he still does.. right?

10.

Free taxis. Your parents wanted you to get anywhere safe, so it was Mr Taxi dad to the rescue. They would always try and embarrass you so you would have to jump out a mile away so you could walk the rest without your friends seeing.

9.  

Kids menu. I miss the price and I miss the free toy. Just because I’m twenty something, doesn’t mean I can’t have a bloody toy. This is why I like MacDonalds because they don’t question me. Most of all I am upset that I can’t qualify for a £4 all you can get buffet from Pizza Hut.

8.

Discos. The under-age nightclub with more clothing and more crazy dancing. Fizzy cup drinks and sherbet and you are trollied, but no hangover!  The night involved desperate attempts to get the attention of the boy you fancy.. nothing changes there then.

7.

Everyday you are someone different. The fancy dress box really helped with this one. If you woke up and you wanted to be a princess, you put on a tiara, and hey presto, you were a princess. People thought it was cute, not weird. Now, Halloween is our only opportunity.

6.

Getting married or going to a wedding. It is not like all this yucky crap you see now and you don’t need money, if you wanted to marry  it happened in the playground, right there, with a haribo ring. Unfortunately, divorce was normally on the cards by lunchtime

5.

Friday feeling. Friday only meant one thing – Takeaway night! The only reason you was good throughout the week, but to be honest, if you weren’t good, then you probably would get a takeaway anyways… Bargain bucket!

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4.

Membership to a youth club. If you didn’t attend one of these, you missed out so much! The place where you can add more friends on Bebo and go on Habbo, which you was banned at home. Chilling outside and watching the boys play football, and arguing with your friends wondering which one of you is going to talk to them tonight.

3.

Oyster cards. My free travel ended on the 30/09/2011 I think.. This was the worst day of my life. Having random days where you went from Richmond all the way to Greenwich and then coming back, just because it was free and it was fun. I pay £1.45 now and I don’t even get a seat or room to move or breath.

2. 

Being able to poo and wee wherever I want.  I know it is a disgusting image now, but I mean I do wonder what it would be like to go anywhere I want, sometimes it is such a hassle to find a toilet.. just me?

1.

Wanting to grow up. I remember all I ever wanted was to grow up and do everything that my mum and dad could do, now I wish it all slowed down and I could go back in time. Growing up sucks.

 

What’s the thing you miss most? Leave me some comments.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

happy father’s day, daddy.

So another year has past by and father’s day has come around again. It is a day that I don’t really like, but it makes me think of you even more than if it was a normal day. I miss waking you up with breakfast in bed with a flower I cut from the garden and wrestling Lucky in order for me to fit in the bed. I miss treating you like a king and doing whatever you wanted me to do, even if it was just for Father’s Day. I’ll start of by saying that you was the most amazing and incredible man I have ever met, and probably will ever meet. The one who understands my mood swings and could have made me laugh and smile like no-one else could. Over the years each day reminds me how much you meant to me and how much I would love to spend one more day with you. I have learnt to deal with it in ways I thought was not even possible and it has made me so strong and grateful for everything and for the people I have around me today. I will never under estimate how much you did for me, you tried your best to make my life as happy and enjoyable as possible. Although you heart was breaking when Mum was taken from us you fought it out like a true solider and was there for me constantly. Sometimes I wish that we spent more quality time together as although we was with each 24/7, it still wasn’t enough time. I want to go back to Great Yarmouth, Blackpool and all the other seasides we went to. I will definitely be thinking of you when I go to Blackpool next month, but of course it will not be the same without you and your complaints to whoever you can find and the long car journey up there and spending hours in the arcade.

Without the 17 years of love from you I wouldn’t have turned out so amazing, right? ;) All the qualities I have reflect you, the man who literally would do anything for me and to anyone who I loved and cared for as well, like my friends. You have left a mark on them as well, everyone who met you can not believe you are gone forever. There is always someone thinking about you and the times that you shared with them, mostly me.

I hope you are proud of me and my achievements and how far I have come over the 4 years. I knew I was always capable of pulling through each day and knowing that you are looking over me makes me more determined to be the best at everything I do. I know I have made mistakes and you have been watching all my movements and I am sorry, but do not worry I will take care of myself.

Say Hi to Mum and give her a big kiss and a hug, hope you both are

I love you forever and ever and ever, stay close to me:

Daddy’s Princess X

I’m really sorry I can’t be beside you today, but I will be thinking about you constantly. I will visit you as soon as I get back.

 

I’ll let you put it anywhere, Zac.

A BIG HELLO, EVERYONE!

Firstly, I revamped the blog. I thought it needed a little sprinkle of paint, literally. That is why the header looks like it has been done by a 5 year old coz I used paint. Anyways, so by the title, you have guessed that this blog will be about my true love and only man I have ever loved called Zac Efron. I dunno if you know him, but he’s pretty well known, and to put it in other words, he is a walking and talking perfection human and I have touch his hand!

I went to see his new film Neighbours. It really made me happy that I was going to see Zac on the big screen, but also that the film came out before being released in the USA, I really do love it when Britain wins over the US, because it doesn’t happen often. Anyways, he does get half naked, which is why I went in the first place. Tbh, the film is okay’ish’, if it wasn’ t for Zac Efron keeping me awake with his amazing abs, I reckon I would have fallen asleep. Oh, he does make a dildo mould out of his penis as well, obviously just in the movie, not just randomly in his free time.

hiya babes

Look at him, come on!

I went to see McBusted as well and it was just amazing. I mean I was in the same room as my first crush, Matt from Busted. I literally cried when they broke up, enough for me to get the day off school. It was a horrible day. They played more Busted songs so I was very happy as I don’t really like McFly as I think people forgot about Busted when they came around and that made me sad. Hey ho, it still was an amazing show and I even have a wristband to be remind me of the night my dreams came true.

I have now finished my 2nd year at Kingston, it has been a struggle, but I actually have done it. This year has been really good and I have met some incredible people and had such a good laugh, so sometimes you do have to be persistent to see an improvement. Oh I am not a tutor anymore (if I didn’t tell you already) and I now work at the University as a student caller and an ambassador. It is so cool, I get paid to talk about crap and get money of people and I wonder why I have had tonsillitis many times since I started.

For now, I am watching people (boys and full grown men) get so involved in Fifa 2014. They keep shouting everytime they pass or given a free kick because of a foul. I will never understand boys and their toys.

Anyways, for now I am counting down the hours to the Eurovision and praying we will get at least 10 points.. as everyone hates us, I doubt that will happen. Nil point for us.

Things that annoy me.

Just thought to pass the time I will share you some things in this world which makes me want to stab my eyes out with a pen… (just to let you know, I have already lost one during my life..) JK.

Anyways, lets get on with the list..

  1. The cold. In particular the wind. I hate being cold. My house is cold enough without me having to go outside in the blizzard and freezing my NUT off. Literally hate it. Especially when you have done your hair and it is all f*cked up as soon as you step out for 2 seconds. OMG. #fml
  2. Fangirls. In particular Bielebers, or however you motherf*ckin’ spell it. I don’t care. I hate them. They go on about the same thing over and over again; ‘how amazing they are’ ‘how gorgeous they are’ when they aren’t and they keep going on and you just want them to go away. IDIOT. Just stop. All of you go in a room and never come out.
  3. Leading on from that point… JUSTIN BIEBER. I am not going into it, because EVERYONE knows why he is an idiot already.
  4. Awkward people. When you meet someone for the first time in particular and thy are so awkward that they just sit there and say nothing and when you try and talk about something they literally give one liners. GET A GRIP AND EXPLORE PEOPLE.
  5. Requests from FARMVILLE and all these other games on Facebook. Look people if I wanted to play these games I would have already, besides I have a life so shh.
  6. 12 year olds these days. OMG. Do I have to even explain these. They think they are cool because they have their BBM and their Nike Airforces, but can’t put a sentence together. Aww what a shame. F*ck off now.
  7. Oyster cards. I don’t get them. They are blue and is a bus pass. Why do they call it that? Besides I have lost around 20 cards in the past and also the cost is annoying – £1.40!!!!!
  8. Telephone boxes. They always nick my money, and it is not a joke anymore. I hope you get extinct.
  9. Spots. They always come out when I have somewhere to go, but as soon as I have a bed day or a day off, I can see nothing!! All clear.
  10. The word ass and crack. I do not like them words they really make me cringe, especially when used together. EW.
  11. Cats. They stare at you when you walk past, well at me anyways, coz I think they know that I hate them. Sorry cat lovers, it is a NO from me.
  12. Over religious people who talk about God, church and all the rest of it. Look, I do not believe in anything and that is my choice. I respect your views, but don’t talk to me about it.  I am not going to convert.
  13. Toaster burning my toast. Especially when I have to get somewhere quickly. I am not happy.
  14. Bus drivers driving away as soon as you get to the door. Enough said – too many embarrassing stories to tell.
  15. Rugby on at Twickenham. I literally live down the road, and when there is a match it is too busy and I hate it. The people are twats. Transport is slow – just for this stupid sport. Go away.
  16. Couples who feel the need to tell the whole world that they are together. Look we know you are going out and we know you are in love with each other and been going out for the past 3 months, 2 weeks, 1 day and 7 and a half hours. WE DON’T CARE. Don’t you get it. Stop posting photos of you and your partner kissing or half naked in bed. ITS DISGUSTING. Just be normal… gosh.
  17. Swallowing my tongue ball. Whoever has their tongue pierced will understand. Especially when you have no bar with you. So annoying. Feels weird when it is not in.
  18. Having your keys at the bottom of the bag. You put them somewhere safe in your bag, but they are always on the bottom. That is so annoying.
  19. Elderly people thinking they are bossmans when they get on public transport. DO NOT GET ME WRONG, we should all respect elderly people, but sometimes they do not respect us and think it’s okay to force themselves on our seats.
  20. People eating horrible stinky food on transport. Yeah, this is horrible. Makes me feel sick andI do not like it.. (Most of my hates does surround transport.. I have just realised)
  21. Having only one more video you can watch on porn sites. So annoying when you need to bash one out.
  22. Not turning your alarm off and it goes on when you can sleep in. Has happened all the time, my advice is to MAKE SURE YOU TURN IT OFF. Also it annoys me when the alarm goes off when it has to as well.
  23. Last orders. You are getting into the night and the bell rings, why do they want to spoil our night! It is not fair, we want to come and party and bull. Let us.
  24. Rising prices in Mcdonalds. This goes to the Happy Meal in particular. Literally was £1.99 now they are nearly £2.50 not happy. The portion sizes are still the same and besides the toys are not getting better.
  25. Chipped nail varnish. It is annoying when your nail varnish goes crap. It is horrible. You have to paint them again and that is hassle.
  26. Having a left hand. I mean I do not use it a lot, only for  certain things, but it always gets in my way when I am sleeping and I lay on it.
  27. Being tired when you are not in your bed. I just want my bed, nothing else. Windows, benches and sits are not places where I can be comfortable and fall asleep.
  28. People having a bigger portion of food than you. When you go out and you order the same thing, but the other people get more food. It is not fair. Especially in Nandos, normally I just nick their food. Its good.
  29. Only iTunes can be used with Apple products. This just is frustrating if I have paid for the music then just let me download it on anything I want.
  30. Growing old. Decided to end it on something which I wish never happened. Miss all the things I did when I was younger, and just not having to do anything.

Well that was fun, feel less stressed now!

a weekend featuring a guy looking like a condom and a lot of games of scrabble

Heya guys! :D

So it has come to the end of yet another week. These days the weeks are going like a packet of tangfastics in my hand, which go very quickly of course! Anyways, so the past few days have been a blast for me, so I really hope you have all had a lovely weekend as well, even if the weather hasn’t been at it’s best – but c’mon we are in Britain, so what do you expect!

I am currently sitting here on a South West Train.. first time I have been on my laptop on transport.. it isn’t really needed and it is a nuisance so I understand why people don’t do this a lot.. more time to focus on this blog though, so its all good in da hood! 8]

So Friday consisted of going to Uni for like 4 hours to complete my last uni assignment, which tbh I didn’t have a clue what to do for it and I had only the weekend to do it in. So it was me and my other friend, Abby, against this 1000 word essay. We could do it. After a hot chocolate, Facebook viewing and loads of music I started reading and typing. Hours past and honestly it felt like minutes, and at around 6ish I had got to 1000 words and Abby was at the target as well. So it was all good. Even if my essay didn’t make sense and was total bullshit, I honestly didn’t care as long as it said 1000 words at the bottom of my screen. Oh happy days.

I then rushed home to get ready to go out for a meal and a drink with two childhood friends, Michelle and Juilette. It is weird that we are still friends after like 15 years of so, well it ain’t weird coz I love them to death so why wouldn’t I wanna stay in contact with them. They are amazing. Anyways, so I only had an hour to get ready, and bear in mind.. I AM A GIRL.. so it normally takes like hours and hours to get ready. So I obviously had a battle ahead. I decided to have a bath first, which normally makes things to follow a whole lot easier and it did, even though I half did my hair and did fail attemps with my hair, I finally was ready, even if one of our friends was waiting in the rain for like half an hour, aw bless her.

We did eventually get there after a car and then a bus journey and we were all reunited, was a lovely sight! We got to Wagamamas. So loooooooovely, now been there twice in a week, oh well it is really really good food. If you haven’t been there, then you really need to go. It beats all the KFC and Mcdonald’s shit anyday! So after that we then hit the pub for predrinks before we went to Vodka Revs.

Vodka Revs is a whole new world, if you are looking for a proper club club atmosphere and people, then don’t go there. It is a bar, with good music, but really expensive drinks and oldER people.. it is funny though. We just sat to the side watching these like 40 year old woman grind and literally dry hump the floor. There was this one woman who was literally bending over in front of these boys whilst they were taking pictures, talking about real life porn!!! Was so shoooooooooocked. She did look like she having a night off from the brothel though.. glad she was happy. This is what it looked like:

Although we loved seeing all these woman having dance sex and playing tonsil tennis with all these guys, bedtime it was and plus our feet were hurting. Lucky me I came prepared and brough flats yes.

The journey home consisted of chocolate, food, a kebab shop with seats which you could raise higher or lower (like an office chair), a man who looked like a condom because his hat was literally just on top of his head – I ask myself WHY?!?! and a big bed waiting for me and Michelle. Before we knew it we was ZzZzZzZzZ…

Saturday : Champions League Final day!!!!!!

Been waiting for this day for weeks and it finally came, it was Bayern Munich vs Chelsea (My team.) Although I had work, I really wasn’t bothered.. I was getting money to go down the pub after to watch the game!!! At work there was a Wedding function and it was so lovely to see everyone happy and enjoying the party.. and for once it was lovely working with another girl, who was a laugh btw!! Rating everyone by their outfits and that, like for the example the bride was little blinged out!! Would get more for scrap metal than anything else, she did look beautiful though :)

Home time came. Got my wages and off to the pub I went.. got there just in time, was great! AND, I got a drink before all the rush came in, even more great. I had to watch the first half on my own, coz everyone bailed out on me and I had to wait for Matt.. Second half started and he just made it and for then the game started to get good, he obviously is a good luck charm! B.M scored in the 80th something minute and I was literally like ‘FUCKK’ we lost… but THEN, THEN.. that amazing Drogba comes in from a corner and BAMMM!!! 1 -1, it is on now!!!!! I literally couldn’t breath, I knocked over my seat and literally strangled Matt to death I was so happy!!!!!

After that I had so much aderaline that I was literally shaking with nervous, full time was called and then extra time commenced. For 30 minutes there was some near misses, but it ended up nil – nil.. so it was PENALTIES!!! Makes any football 100% more better, and there is no better way to have them in a final!!

So I couldn’t look after a while, with my head in my hands… B.M scored there first three and we missed our first two.. so I was like shit, we are screwed.. we then were neck and neck at the end 3 – 3, then Drogba man of the match came up… and BAMMMM he scored again!!!! WAS SO FUCKING HAPPY IT WAS UNREAL. Was crying updating my Facebook status every 5 minutes, oh it was a great feeling. So Chelsea, European Champions 2012. I feel proud.

So Saturday soon turned into Sunday… a day of just rest and bed times.. I had to go into University to finish my last assignment!! Couldn’t wait! Got to University at the latest time ever at around 6ish and then I started my essay!!! Literally was there until around half 8 and I was done done done!!!!! I had to let my trusted friend hand it in for me coz they lock the stupid room where you have to submit it… so stupid, and they say it is for ‘security reasons.’ What you mean? You think people are going to rob a sack of essays.. yeah coz I forgot how expensive they can get on Ebay -.- ! That’s my Uni for you everyone, totally crap.

Feeling on a high, higher than ever before, I got a Hot Chocolate and a Mcdonald’s.. (happy meal of course) and had my binge.. felt so good knowing that I have months and months just to do nothing and earn some cash!! Woooo!! Made it even better that I would be going straight to Matt’s to share my excitement!!!!!!!

So woo I am offically free for the great summer 2012!!!! Anyone who wants to hire me, I am free ANYTIME :) I am lovely, kind and just perfect!! Let m  know ;) !

Now, time to start wasting days sitting in front of my laptop screen browsing for clothes for Zante and the lovely summer!

Have a lovely week guys,

A bientot, Biz X