Only one day to go until December starts, and for many, this is a time of year where everyone is rushing around to get last minute presents and spending quality time with loved ones, and that goes for me as well, but no matter how many people I have around me and what exciting things I get up to in the festive period, there is still a big part of me missing..
I’m not sure if each December gets easier, or just comes round too quickly, but I know as soon as it does come, it will be a struggle to get through the 31 days. Of course, it is infectious when I see children smiling and excited to see what Santa has given them and I do enjoy seeing people happy, but there always is a part of me that wishes I can join them and be happy.
This is the 5th Christmas I will have without any parents and sometimes I have to process it in my mind in order to realise that this is my life. I’ll be honest with you all, most of the time it does not seem real, which is probably why I get through each day without any trouble at all. Of course, I am not a robot, and I do have feelings, so sometimes I will crash to the ground and it is hard to get back up, but somehow and somewhere deep inside I find the strength to get on with things. The saddest thing for me is that this has become my life, I mean I can’t hide from it, I have to embrace it. So in theory as I am so used to it, sometimes I block it out and numbness kicks in..
I look upon this life event as one of the most hardest but also the most life-changing event of my life, and I mean that in a positive way. I have become stronger, I have learnt to forgive and not hold grudges, I have learnt to reflect and learn from things, I try and fill my brain with kindness and good thoughts and see the best in things and people. Most importantly I remain positive.
If you asked me four years ago what I would be doing, I wouldn’t know. I was lost, confused and lonely. I had no optimism for the future and not having any parents to guide me, I mean, where would I start? And now, I look at myself. Although there have been down times, exhausting times, stressful times and sad times, there have also been brilliant, amazing, surreal and happy times. At 17 I moved house and started to become an adult. I have gone back to University and I have loved it. I have had breakthroughs in my Journalism career and on top of that, I still have many good people around me which fill with me love and motivation. So in fairness, life is great.
I would like to highlight though, that ANYONE can do ANYTHING if you put your mind to it. I know this too well. Before all this happened I had an amazing life I had two well parents, a dog and I was living together with my family. I had no worries, I had money which I could spend on anything and not on bills and I felt secure and stable. The one worry that I did have was if anything happened to my parents, which is normal, and I thought it something happened I wouldn’t survive. Now, it has been 8 years since I saw my mum and 4 years since I saw my dad, and I am still here, smiling. Sometimes you shock yourself on how much you can deal with and how well you are at dealing with difficult situations.
Next year I have Graduation, which will be a bitter-sweet time, and I am moving in January, which I can’t WAIT for. Although it will still be a rocky road and I’m not saying that things are 100% amazing, because they will never be.Over the years I have developed as a person and although I have been thrown into the deep end and have experienced things and seen things that most people I know haven’t even been close to, I would not change my life for the world. I am a strong believer that “what ever happens, happens for a reason” which I still believe until this day. If you believe you can do something, you can. Don’t listen to anyone’s negativity and do what makes you happy and successful. Yes, you may have to leave some people behind, but who cares, you are probably better off without them.The more you become yourself and become independent, the more you realise that you truly can succeed.
Because of this life event, I know nothing that life throws at me will break me.
I know you are proud of me and are guiding me, so I thank you for supporting me. I love you.