Wanted a Ben and Jerrys ended up with a magnum….

As the sun was shinning in London yesterday I thought it was the perfect time to get a Ben and Jerrys, seeing as they are the only two fellas which give me pure satisfaction in my mouth… Of course the Ben and Jerrys was inside a subway, I mean that is normal. I’m waiting in the queue and the server is taking ages to scoop out Ice Cream, I wanted to help her, but I probably would just swim in the ice cream containers, If only that was possible. 5 minutes went by, and soon ten, and guess what? Still not getting my ice cream, so.. I waited patiently and soon I was next in the queue, result!

She then held up her fingers to show two minutes and then popped off. Firstly, I’m glad she didn’t give me ‘the two fingers’ in the other way as I would have put her head in a subway sandwich and fed it to rats, secondly, I thought she was just going to the bathroom, so I hoped she washes her hands after, or getting another colleague. But no. Next thing I see is her with her coat and bag leaving the shop, I thought it was a joke, but as soon as she got the bus, I knew that she isn’t coming back. I didn’t know what to do, so just stood their giving evils to the subway men and shouted ‘do you know what costumer service is? Well this definitely is poor.’ Clearly I am a ghost or they are deaf, better yet, they are gits, and just carried on serving 6inches to their costumers wondering why a sandwich is bigger than their own penis.

I was devastated as I left Ben and Jerry behind, but in the distance I saw the magic golden ‘M’ and instantly my tears went. Feeling on top of the world I walked into the shop and asked for a Mcflurry. ‘Sorry we have no ice cream.’ I was gonna have a break down and start shouting at her, but decided to go to the toilet and calm down. I thought this day couldn’t get worse, but the hand dryer wasn’t working so I had to shake my hands dry like some 5 year old. To top off this amazing experience a woman, who came out of nowhere, but probably came through the door obviously, just stood in front of the mirror.. Not moving, or smiling.. Quite possibly not breathing. I thought she was going to either kill me or jump through the mirror, but luckily she didn’t do anything.

I still needed a ice cream, so I had to get a magnum. I’m not saying they are crap, but I wanted a bloody Ben and Jerrys.

All over a stupid ice cream.
The end.


My time working in a ticket office

Snot-nosed costumers, angry costumers and costumers who are too fascinated by boats, I have met a lot of people, some I don’t wanna meet again, whilst being in my new job. Although I just smile whilst they shout all sorts of abuse at me and kill their rant with some Capital FM, I still enjoy it a lot.

I don’t make a lot of friends as you can see, apart from two. A sweet man, Brian, who shouts ‘Do you wanna be a sailor?’ At every person walking past to boost his sales on his boat tour and making cups of tea which most goes on the floor, doesn’t help that the kettle is broke. He is a joy to be around and was interested in the music I was listening and the book I was reading, even though it was fifty shades if grey. Another, who is an artist called Kaya, who often walks up and down whilst painting the same picture at the weekends. He has admitted to me half the time he is just pretending to paint, which I thought anyways. I think he is a friend for life as he has offered to paint a portrait of me. I think I’ll give him a picture of me that he can copy from as I don’t wanna be left alone with him really and basically I’m not good at keeping still for a long time.
Above all, without these two I probably wouldn’t survive.

I have learnt so much about the water and the tides, and trust me there is a lot to learn and it is quite complicated, although it’s just h2o. When the tides are low, it means boats will be late, which means I get angry costumers at my door. It doesn’t help that the tides change everyday. But all in all I definitely am good at pretending to be an expert of the water and a boat lover. Great success!

With the odd one or two costumers hyping I normally can be found jamming outside with my tunes blaring with the rest of the costumers talking about how amazing Zac Efron is and about Eastenders.

For now it’s a farewell to the green hut for nine days whilst I dream about boats..

How to avoid people sitting next to you on a bus

When you get on a bus it is nice to get two seats for yourself just to relax and ‘enjoy’ the views and the journey. The last thing you want when you have had a shitty day is for some person to sit next to you, even worse, if they are drunk, smell or take up most of the seat, so you are pushed against the window. So baring this in mind and from my personal experience, I have put into practice some things that make people not sit next to me.

1) The bag trick

I know most people will not have a bag on them, which I get, even just an arm or a hand will do.. Just put your bag on the seat next to you and when people do see it, chances are they can’t be bothered to tell you to ‘move your bag.’ This doesn’t work always, as sometimes people just attempt to take a seat when your bag is there without saying anything, because obviously they can’t see my big bag next to me. Idiots.

2) Block out the world with headphones

Chances are you will listen to music on transport, I mean you kinda need something to block out the school children shouting like crazy on the bus or some gangster at the back of the bus playing ‘Bedrock.’ Even if you have no music or your phone has died, still put them in anyway. I mean no-one wants to do weird hand signals to get your attention to move up a seat for them. Only weird or drunk people do this anyways, which are normally found on night buses..

3) Pretend your asleep

I know it isn’t the most flattering look, but sometimes pretending your asleep will make people walk past, especially if you are dribbling, and also they don’t want to wake you from your dreams about ponies and puppies (aww.) If they do, then just casually rest your head on their shoulder and I’m sure they will be put off by you and move seats.

4) Catch a cold

For me, when people sneeze or cough next to me on a bus I feel like I’m dying straight away and their germs are invading my body. I know it will not be good in the long run, but just catch a cold, so when you are on a bus you can start sneezing and coughing and you get the space you need. flu


5) Eye contact

As soon as someone comes near you try and give them a look, could be anything, but something which will make them think they are a freak. Maybe a twitch or a wink would do.

Of course if someone is pregnant, old or a choongting then obviously the above doesn’t matter.

Glastonbury 2013

In June thousands of people travel to a little village in Somerset to be amazed by live acts from the biggest names in the music industry, and they were not disappointed.

I was one of the lucky ones to be able to get the gold dust tickets on that cold day in October. That seems a blur now, but what replaces it is 5 packed days of fun at the festival.

Firstly, getting there was a nightmare. I mean Victoria Coach Station (Victoria, London) certainly was not prepared. I mean there were queues and queues of people waiting for coaches and being delayed for around an hour definitely was not good, especially when you have your home and your entire life on your back to live of for the next few days.

The hours past and excitement took over, so we were there in no time at all. The blazing sun made all our bodies soaked in sweat was not good when searching miles and miles of field for a good pitch for our tents. Also, seeing as queues for showers were hours, the outcome was we stunk for days. Beautiful.

As a girl, I got to say that I really do not like camping. I think I knew that before, but realised how much I hated it when I actually got there. I mean you have no space in your tent and it is scorching hot in the day and in the evening it is freezing cold, you can’t win! There were times when I wanted to pack up shop and head back to London, but my heart always told me to stay. I’m glad I listened as I had moments I will not forget.

The acts did not start until Friday, I mean the major acts. This year we was quite lucky to have The Arctic Monkeys, The Rolling Stones and Mumford and Sons as headliners. Pretty good value for money, if you ask me. To top it off we pitched literally 100 metres from the Pyramid Stage (where all the main acts played) so if we wanted to we could fall asleep to the sounds of Mick Jagger and crew.

I bet a lot of people reading would want to ask Who was the best live act you saw? and A LOT of people would say The Rolling Stones.. I would love to agree, but I didn’t even go to see them. People could say I’m mad, others would say sensible. My reason is I wanted to see something that I enjoy, therefore I went to see Chase and Status as they are more my cup of Earl Grey, if you get my drift – and for that reason they were my favourite. Check them out on BBC IPLAYER and see if you can spot me in the crowds.

Yes, the food you there was not on the luxury side, but still has the expensive pricetag, but tastes worse than McDonalds, but the people you share amazing experiences with and the music drowning all of us in goodness. I can say that Glastonbury is definitely somewhere I would recommended to everyone and obviously go again.

Oh and just to clear up, I know there was some documentaries about the festival being ‘crazy’ and everyone is ‘high’ not just of the music.. but it really isn’t. Yeah you walk through and can smell weed and goodness knows what, but people are there to enjoy it so let them be whoever they want to.

Here are some pictures courtesy of me, enjoy.


thoughts of a swan

What gorgeous weather we are having in the UK.. why not have a sun tan and music blaring without spending money travelling miles away to an exotic country (although that would be wonderful.)

Currently, I am not really doing much – the biggest excitement for me, is reading the last Fifty Shades book: “Fifty Shades freed.” I am still working as a tutor and I really am loving it, and the pay check I get at the end of the month. Sometimes it is hard finding the cash to pay for bills and the joys of being an adult, but I always seem to manage it, so it is all good for now.

So.. in the past month:

  • I have gone to Glastonbury 2013. The only word I can think of to to describe it without going on and on is MEGA!
  • I brought a new phone, which is amazing! It has snapchat, instragram and all the best stuff on it.. I had to buy it as I bit my old phone as I was angry and also hungry.
  • I now have Instagram and Snapchat, add me if you must: Instagram – gotswan Snapchat – swanmojo


I’m still very lazy and still never update this as much as I would like. Sometimes I really do not have a lot of things to talk about, mostly it is because I just can’t be bothered.

For now, I reckon I will leave you with some pictures of Glastonbury for you to be jealous at.


amazing view for the hill


 swollen face from sun



giant twister


Much love

Jo x

we’re all going on a summer holiday

Hiya guys! Hope you are all well! :) I have had a packet of fruit pastilles and I am ready to type. 

Sorry for my little absence, been washing way too much clothes and eating the rest over of my birthday cake and now I can officially say I am used to being 19.. kind of, well what I mean is, is that I have finally brought myself round to actually saying the words: “I am 19.”

So today’s topic of conversation is BRITISH HOILDAYS! Just because I am going for a little getaway tomorrow till Thursday, and I can’t wait. I am more excited for these two days away than I was for Zante, and that was a HOT Greek Island.. although British is getting hot hot hot over the past week or so, so that be great. I am going to a little town called Great Yarmouth, which is to the South-East of Britain and I was born there.

(Great Yarmouth is on the Eastern edge of the ‘Eastern England’ section of the map for all you overseas people)

Every year since I can remember I have always been there on hoilday no matter what, mostly with family, but due to issues other the years that hasn’t been possible, but now the time has come to go back there again! I can’t wait to feel like the kid I was and just have no worries and sit by the sea for hours and hours and watch the sun go down and play for hours and hours in the arcades loosing so much money, but I didn’t care I had such a blast! I will get this lovely feeling again including all the memories that I had flooding back to me and it is all thanks to one amazing guy called Matt. I am so grateful and by far it is the best and perfect birthday present which I could ever ever ask for. There I  will be in my own little world and just have such a good time without caring if people think I am weird by going on the monkey-bars or just acting like an idiot with sand in my hair.


Really don’t know how I am going to sleep tonight, but I better start now – in this heat it will probably take me a few hours just to get settled.

So excited, I’ll keep you posted.

Jo X



PBD : Post-birthday depression

You got them mid-week blues? Hang on in there is only two days to go until the weekend, wooo :)

So yesterday was my birthday, and I was 19. It is a shit age, you can basically do the same thing that you did when you was 18, expect this time round you are less excited for it and have less money in the process. Yes, alcohol does that to you. Good times. For people who are underage and are waiting to be 18 to drink and stuff, please stop being excited coz it is a waste of time and money. You literally get smashed too much where you are hugging the toilet and throwing up your guts in the toilet, although it was a funny process and you got a lot of banter with your friends it is seriously not worth it, but although I say all this I will never ever ever ever stop having my goregous Vodka, which I will have again tonight. Yes, pub times again with my friends what more can I ask for to make me happy after suffering from PBD from yesterday.

Yesterday it was my birthday and I had a really good day. It did start off with a date from the carpetman and he got me a present of a new carpet and I only just met him, was great. So now my bedroom is finished, minus the furniture. I then decided to have a productive day by going to shops and fixing certain things of mine, starting with my laptop and then my headphones.  I then ended up in Kingston with a starbucks, delicious! I spent a few hours with my friend and chatted about a gold postbox near her house in honor of Mo Farah. Yes, the Momister lives near us, good times.

I then spent the evening with my mum and dad, which was lovely to see them for a little bit. I gave them some flowers, one with a red rose and one with a pink. They both look beautiful now. I then returned home to have three of my favourite people round to visit me, Patel, Michelle and Matt. It was lovely to see them. Michelle and Patel left and I got to spend the night with my amazing boyfriend. He brought me a caterpiller cake and sung me happy birthday on his own, was cutest thing and we had pizza, the best combination ever.

Overall it was such a perfect day and I couldn’t ask for anything more, thanks to everyone who made it special!

Happy 19th Birthday to me!  Hip hip hooray, hip hip hooray and one for luck, hip hip hooray.

Destressing myself

So I have opened up a new life in the past few days and it just seems like everything is going down hill right now. Just to sum things up for you, I’ll make a list of everything which is stressing me out:

  • The  house is in a right state. You would think a council house would at least be in a good state for us to move in to, but no. The paint and the floor have not been touched, so the decorator has the stay more to work more, therefore more money is going out of of our pockets, which we don’t have. It is funny how they do that to us, when literally we don’t deserve going from a THREE BEDROOM HOUSE to a FLAT which is SHIT… it is getting better though. Paint is finally on the walls, so life is great.
  • I have run out of money, which is self-explanatory. There is no jobs out there, I have tried and tried so hard to get a job, but literally there is none out there. It is not coz I am stupid or have no qualifications, I do and some good ones as well and I find that people who haven’t done as much education as me or haven’t got any qualifications at all get work, not fair really. Oh well, that is life I suppose.
  • Because of number two, I am literally stressing out trying to find money some way. That is either from selling some of my stuff to stop going out full stop, not eating and just trying to borrow as much as I can. Rent is the main priority at the moment, and if I can pay it by doing all the above things, I will have to do it.
  • My dog. My dog is beautiful, but  she is also a pain. She is a little Staffordshire, so instantly you can  understand what I am getting at. She is barking a lot at the new flat and tbh it is a huge problem. Living next to 3 other families in a block really does not help as the noise is bounced off all the walls, and is really loud. She also is too hyper and makes people afraid of her when she is jumping up and ting. Not good. And besides I have no money to look after her no more. Maybe some people would be like “well it is only a few pounds a week for food and stuff.” Yeah, but with no parents and no job it is a few pounds I need to keep a roof over my head.
  • I am in debt with a number of people, great stuff. I try not to remember this one coz it causes me the most worry and stress.

I think that is the main things atm, well it is enough to keep me going. I am working at each and every one to try and minimize them, but tbh it is not working. I find myself having less money even when I am doing nothing, it is crazy. Life costs too much these days, it really is unfair. Until I get my grant and loan in September I don’t know what to do.. but I suppose I have to push on like I have been doing over the past year and a bit.

Anyways of down the pub I go to forget my life for a few hours with my tap water!! If anyone has a job out there for me! Let me know, Lol :)

Speak soon,



Happy Thursday everyone! 

So last night was student night, therefore I was out in Kingston getting ma crunk orn, you may call it getting smashed! And so I did, but today hasn’t been a good day. Woke up so ill that literally I felt like all my body parts are going to fall off. I spent most of the day hugging the toilet and throwing all the contents in my stomach (which believe me were not much by the end of the 2 hour ordeal) into the toilet. Great stuff.

On a higher note, last night was probably one of the best nights I have had at Oceana.. it is kinda a luck of the draw if you have a good night or a shit night, and tbh most of the times it has been shit.. and only a few are good, but you have to be drunk to experience those. For a student night it was quite empty, which I liked as I hate little pricks who barge into you and think its funny. I had a few of them last night, but I sorted them out soon enough with my own barging. Drinks were cheap, got most of them brought for me – result, so obvs I am not complaining.

Hours in there really felt like minutes and it was time to go home. I managed to get into a fight with some boys as they pushed one of my friend into the road, little pricks, and soon they backed off knowing not to mess with the Swanage. How the fuck can you push a girl? To make things worse pushing a girl in the road? Stupid little fuckers. By the time the bus came everything was sorted and I got on the bus (without paying) and soon enough I was at home having some strawberries before crashing out.

After spending the whole day in bed and rolling around in my bed going insane whilst being in so much pain I finally woke up and left my house looking like a ghost crossed with a cat that has been dragged through bushes and then thrown again the wall (No cats were harmed when making this blog and no, I do not agree with animal violence, it was just a saying).

With a Coke, sandwich, chocolate lollypop, jammie dodgers and spaghetti bolognaise in me I still feel like crap right now, only thing which is making it a bit more bearable is seeing pictures and statuses of my friends when they were drunk last night. I like very much.

For now I am going to go and watch Crimewatch, which I enjoy very much.. not. I dunno why I watch it I get scared too easily by things on there, I hate it, but I love scaring myself to the point that I am afraid of leaving my house…

Note to self: Need to talk to someone about this

it’s summer, but where is the sun?

Salut :)

Gosh it feels like it has been ages since I have sat down and wrote a few things about my life and thoughts.. but I thought this is the perfect time. I have haribo and chocolate at the ready, boyfriend is at work and I literally have free time (which hardly ever happens) so here I go..

So a few of you who read my previous blogs will realize that I am not at university at the moment as I am enjoy a long summer, well now it doesn’t seem as long as it felt like in May, which seems like just yesterday – crazy stuff. We are now in July and it feels like this year is going so quickly, although I have done so much, but at the same time so little.

Since I last blogged I have done quite a bit.. I started a new job on a boat and when I do get shifts (which is rare) I love it. You are on the boat in the sun (which is also rare atm) talking and having a laugh with people you have just met, and by the end of the journey you are calling them your friend. It is literally the best job in the world, and your colleagues are so funny and mad that you literally feel like 12 again. So it is sad that I haven’t worked there for a good few weeks now, so fingers crossed I will get a shift or two soon..

Getting over that little hiccup I have literally been enjoying free time without studying or getting up early for university, actually anything for that matter. Sometimes Matt tries to get me up super early so we can have a productive day, but that usually starts at like 12 for me after all the flaffing around. He doesn’t like. I have also been spending spending spending on lovely food like Nandos and Tangfastics (72p per bag at Sainsburys, so get down there) and lovely drink such as Vodka, Vodka and occasionally some Orange Juice, Tropicana of course.  I have also survived a week of drinking smoking and staying up till god knows what hour in the beautiful island of Zante, if you are young, like drinking and having fun, don’t mind staying in a shithole and wanna get laid then that is the place to be. AND DON’T WORRY, I was faithful, matter of fact all the people I went with were good as well… expect for a few (only joking, love you).

After a hectic few weeks of preparation, going to Zante, coming back from Zante and recovering for days and days I am finally have my Mojo back and starting to sort out and look forward to the rest of my summer. I have a job to find, a new house to move into, seaside trips away and my birthday all to organise – so I defiantly will not be bored and all on a really really tight budget so I dunno how I am going to get round that one. Oh almost forgot a 2nd year of University to prepare for as well, great. Yes, I forgot to tell you I did manage to pass all my modules (thank god, but not than god as I didn’t wanna go back in the first place, but thanks anyways young chap) so I have to start getting my mind ready, which will take a good few weeks so I better start soon…

All in all it has been a pretty awesome summer so far and I have no doubts the rest of it will be the same.. just as long as this weather in England improves soon. Typical Great Britain ‘ey. Welcome to our country Olympicans!!!

and i think to myself what a wonderful world

What’s popping everyone :) hope you are all well, coz I certainly am!

So two weeks have literally flown by and a lot has happened during these past 14 days, the main thing is that I am no longer unemployed for sure and I have the perfect job ever, it is working on a boat behind a bar. It literally is amazing! Free boat trips, surrounded  by alcohol and food and being with lovely people – what more could I ask for!!

So yeah, I have currently done 3 shifts and worked on two boats which are beautiful and got some more shifts coming up! Can’t wait, I literally love work! The best part is that I am rich. KERCHING! ££££ .. well richer than before anyways.

Another amazing thing in my life is that I am finished first year University, but not. I have no more classes or lectures, but I have essays to do for Monday. I would have finished last Monday but I got so behind with all the work I had to get an extension.. After several panic attacks and long hours at the computer I only have 1,500 words to go, which really isn’t a lot. I handed in my last piece for french today and I felt literally amazing when I did that, the sun came out as well… it was perfect.

Come to think about it this has been a very very eventful last few weeks, here are s0me of the other highlights:

  • Got my laptop taken by that evil cow and then got given it back to me.
  • Found £10 in a machine at waterloo station (RESULT)
  • My Mathieu, matthew in french ;), won his second boxing fight in a row. MY BWOI <3
  • Took avantage of cocktail deals A LOT
  • Met some Polish people on my bus, gave me alcohol and then one of them passed out so I called an ambulance. Typical.
  • Had chinese outside a flat in Clapham, got most of it on the floor
  • Got given a free travelcard, the man clearly fancied me and my leopard print leggings
  • Spilt hot chocolate over the computer at uni and my books, oh and me of course. Great.
  • Tried to book Paris in May and failed, even after 5 phone calls, so settled for September
  • Too many Costas/Starbucks/McDonalds and other bad stuff for my gut
  • My two favourite people in the whole world finally met each other :) (My fav)
  • And of course seeing and talking to friends, normally at pubs or involving alcohol and just being complete idiots – my ideal of LIFE.

Yeah, my life at the moment is pretty sweet, really. I have the most amazing life, friends, family and boyfriend. Really couldn’t ask for anything better, I have literally everything I want and it is only going to get better from here. June is coming up which by far is going to be the BEST month ever, going to Zante and going to Birmingham and will be the first month without University. Wipheeeeeeeeeeeee.

I’ll definitley keep you posted, Au revoir!

A Biz X