All I want for Christmas is you, Mum and Dad: Day 18

Dear Dad,

Firstly, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Can’t believe you are 70, you are so old now! I hope you are having a nice day up there. I have had some time away from writing to you both, and I am sorry, but I am in such a good place right now, so here I am.

This week has been amazing, I got a 1st in one of my University assignments (you probably will not know what that means), but it means I got an A. I know if you was here right now you would be so happy and so proud of me, and probably as a treat, we would be going to the shops or out for dinner. Although, that is not happening today, I have been celebrating my success and celebrating double on your behalf. I went to your new house today and it looked beautiful, it really did. Daniel has done such as good job with it all and I’m so happy to see it looked so pretty. I added a few Christmas essentials which I hope you love, just to get in you in the festive spirit, of course!

The move is finally going ahead as well, after so much trouble with the council, I am finally moving out and becoming a proper adult, and I can’t wait. I know if you was here you would be decorating it and be coming around watching TV every night, but I know you aren’t far away. I am so excited to make it my own and prove to myself that I can do it, even if I’m on my own! I hope you are there to guide me and keep me strong as you know I am scared of the dark and don’t like being on my own.

Daniel and myself have been doing really well recently, and you probably have noticed this too. This year has been life changing for the both of us, in a good way, and both of us are more stable and have a better outlook for the future. Things are going well at University and in other aspects of my life and we seem to be getting on like a brother and sister should. I am just so sad that you couldn’t see this with your own eyes, you would be so shocked, but so happy for us.

How is mum? I hope she is well and everything is going smoothly wherever you are. I wish I knew what you are doing each day and where you are, I literally can’t wait to see you both again, although I am hoping it will be a long time away as I am having such a ball.

I wish you was here and celebrating with me, but although you aren’t, I made sure I did really good things and stayed happy today, which was easy as it was my best friend’s birthday after all.

Do you remember when I always used to give you breakfast in bed on your birthday morning, I would go in the garden in bare feet and get a flower to go with it to make it look posh. I loved doing that, and sometimes I think you loved it just as much. You were my king, and always will be. Your birthday was a blessing to me and I always made sure I did the best for you and I stayed with you the whole day. I always remembered the last birthday I celebrated with you, your 65th. I made you a cake which was so thin, it was a disaster really, but you was grateful for it. I did it for you, and for me, your happiness was, and always will be, the jewel of my eye. I would do anything to see that smile again.

To end, thanks for everything. From changing my nappies when I was little, to having the most awkward conversation about becoming a ‘woman’ as Mum wasn’t around, making sure I was happy with my sexuality (yes, he genuinely thought I was a lesbian) and just giving the most amazing hugs and just being there for me when I needed you most.

You were the best Dad and just the most amazing human being that I have ever met and I am so thankful you ended up being my father.

I love you forever, hope you enjoyed your day.

Your Jojo X

All I want for Christmas is you, Mum and Dad: Day eight

Four years ago today is when I lost my bestfriend, my dad. It is very difficult to get through and at times I find it hard to come to terms with it. Why does most people have their parents? Why I can’t I be the same?

It’s a fact of life that you die at the end, but I mean having both my parents die at such a young age is really unfortunate but also very frustrating. I do not understand why and what for? Some people say it was their time to go, or God needed them, but I needed them and their time wasn’t then, they had many years to go. So many other people out there who live bad lives still have their parents around, why? Life is so unfair.

Being so young I didn’t really get a chance to have a grown up conversation about life and the future. My dad always said he would decorate my place when I got it and that was something I looked forward to, but now it is just a dream I wish would come true. You know what is the most funny thing is, I feel so numb and it still feels like another person’s life four years down the line. Today is the day I feel most lost without them and a day that I wish never happened. Finding my dad that morning makes me physically sick and something which will never leave my brain.

So, how am I coping? I am just taking every step as it comes, every knock back, every heartbreak, every tear, I will embrace them as they will lead me to the next best thing. Getting through each day without no mum and dad is torture. I would love to be able to go to them for a hug or a chat, just little things, that I used to take for granted. I mean there is no point thinking about the ifs and the buts because it wouldn’t of made me who I am today, and most importantly where I am today.

My dad was literally my role idol, inspiration and just the best person to be around. Although we did have our fights and arguments, we was sharing jelly babies again in no time. He was my lifeline, my companion, my everything and he kept me so strong when I wanted to give up. He made me laugh, smile, safe and he taught me to be the best I could have been. I am so lost without my best friend and I just want him here to look at all the brilliant things I am doing and just be there for me.

For everyone, I want you to keep all your loved ones close and do positive things and make them feel loved everyday. You are so lucky to have them and make sure you look after them and cherish every moment you have with them while you can. I’m so jealous of each of you who have their two angels around them, you are so lucky.

Goodnight, daddy.

The hardest post I have ever written about the events of 8th December 2010. Thanks for your support x

All I want for Christmas is you, Mum and Dad: Day five

So yesterday it was the start of the weekend which I know will be hard to get through. Every minute I will be thinking about the final moments I had with my best friend, I mean I did all I could, but I can’t help but think what I could have done to prevent it.. But maybe it was just meant to be at the time. The fact that he won’t be here with me for the rest of my life is a scary thought, I mean it’s been 4 years, and it seems like a lifetime already.

You know what the most saddest thing is about all of this, it doesn’t even feel like I had any parents, as I am so used to being without them. I don’t want to forget their faces, voices and memories, but sometimes I have to really really think about it, which frustrates me as what daughter/son has to do that. I wonder why it has happened to me and why everyone else can be happy and be with their families, which everyone deserves in this world. Sometimes the shock of it is very hard to come to terms with. Then when people talk about mum and dads and what funny things they have done this week or what annoying things they have done. I literally have nothing to say. Although I can say so many things about my memories and other things they did, but that is just it, they did. They no longer do anything and I feel I can’t engage in conversations as I don’t want people to feel awkward and I don’t want to get upset, but I mean, hopefully in time I can, but I mean I really want them to still be here.

Right now my mind is full of thoughts of the last hours I had with my dad. They aren’t really thoughts I like but around this time of year they are in my mind more than ever. I am glad that the last person he saw was me and I’m glad I was with him in his last moments. I won’t ever forget that day for the rest of my life and finding him so cold and so still. I never thought I would see the day.

This weekend seems to be a long one and my coping mechanism is to sleep through it as I don’t want to realise that the day my dad left me is coming at a fast rate. And if that isn’t enough I have my dads birthday and my mums anniversary in the space of two weeks, I am going to be so drained, but knowing that they are close will get me through. I am a fighter.

Until then I think I’ll just have a detox and be with my thoughts. I will look up at the skies and find the brightest stars and think of you and mummy. Sleep well.

All I want for Christmas is you, Mum and dad: Day four

This post is a little late as I really didn’t feel like writing last night as I got some terrible news yesterday which put me in such a bad mood.

Just want to say, the featured image is probably one of my favourite I ever took. I think this was one of the last photos I took of my Dad and this literally sums him up. He was funny, joyful and just a good person to be around. This was when he pretended to be a gangster as I told him you need to fit in when you walk the dog as we used to live in the ‘ghetto.’ He laughed, and this is the end result, him being a gangster.

As Michael Bublé said it’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, so let’s be positive today. This post will be about my journey and how far I have come over the four years since I became an orphan at 17. I’m not going to lie to you and say that I cope, because most of the time I don’t. I think it is just a habit that I am used to and therefore it gets a little easier each day as you have learnt what you need to do to cope and used to it being the ‘norm.’

I would say 10% of each day I actually am normal, in the sense that it feels nothing has happened and things are all ok. This is normally when I see friends or I when I go away in different towns or on holiday. 40% of the time I am worrying about things which either haven’t even happened or flashbacks and the other fifty percent I am just getting on with and doing good things, like going to university. If you asked me a year ago I would say that 90% of my time was filled with worry and not doing anything and only 10% was doing good things. I never went out and I didn’t feel safe to go out. I felt like I would just bring every down and therefore it would be better for me to stay in bed. I felt like this until early this year to be honest. This has all changed. Right now, I feel like I’m in a good place and although things sometimes are not straight forward, but in life what is?! I have realised that it won’t bring me now and break me.

At the time I didn’t notice what I was doing and I thought it was the best option for me to deal with things, but it just made me worse. People around me started to loose motivation as I wouldn’t listen when they said I was the only person who could really change things. When people genuinely try and help you, you don’t appreciate or see it when you are so low. They are not to blame, I mean they tried and they did help in the end and I managed to change things for myself and here is where I am today, but my brain just had too much hold over me back then and I felt trapped and unable to do even basic daily tasks.

Here I am, four years later and although I still have days that I am in bed, they have become less of an occurrence. I have started to have a structure in my university life and in my personal life which I have embraced and not hid from, and I think this is the most important foundations to deal with my problems. I am able to talk more freely about what has happened without feeling scared about what other people think or react, which is key – you can’t just bottle it in like I did, it makes it harder. It’s hard to talk to people about something they have no idea about which is not their fault, but by talking to them they can learn to understand what it is about and be more beneficial for you. I’m not going to apologise for how my life is, I can’t control that, and I want to share my story as it’s unique and I want to tell people that you can get through difficult times in your life, just have hope and listen to those who are around you, because even though you don’t believe it, they love you and care about you more than you ever will realise.

Which brings me on to say, I have such a good support network, I mean I can’t thank everyone enough. People really underestimate how much each of you mean to me and I honestly could not of done any of this without you, maybe I could have, but your support allowed me to have more confidence in myself and able to believe that I can do this. Your support has made me feel that I am not alone and I can turn to you when I need help or advice. This journey would have been ten times more difficult without you all and I definitely wouldn’t be in the safe place I am today. I love you all so much and I am immensely grateful for your kindness, loyalty and just companionship.

This life event has taught me that there is good in all people and everyone should be cared about and loved and no one should be judged, as you don’t know what thoughts or experiences they have, and believe me one comment, one evil look, could really push them over the edge. Just be kind and good things will happen.

The worst day of the year is coming up and it has reached the 3 day countdown. My emotions and thoughts are all over the place right now, so please bare with me, and thanks again for just reading these posts and just showing an interest in this experience.

Have a nice day everyone!

All I want for Christmas is you, Mum and Dad: Day three

I wish you was both here. I know it is only going to get tougher in this month, but hearing from people I haven’t heard from in ages was my highlight today. I also went to counselling which was a scary thing for me, I have already put off workshop treatment for about a year now, but I finally feel like I need to go, especially this month. It went well. Of course, it was session one so it isn’t going to work straight away, but I mean anything that will help – I will give it a go. I didn’t speak throughout the session, and I don’t feel like I should have. I was very anxious in going to the counselling in the first place, but the people there were very lovely. I learnt some breathing exercises to cope with my flashbacks and memories and I hope I can put them in to practice this week. Although for a lot of people this doesn’t seem to be a big deal, but because I was so stressed and worried about it, it really did knock everything out of me, I am so exhausted right now. No rest for the wicked though – I have deadlines coming up, so today in my free time I have been doing reading and essay work, so least it didn’t effect me too much.

Here are a few things I miss the most about you both:

• I miss laughing. I mean proper laughing, without any stress any worries, just in that moment of complete and utter happiness.
• I miss being a family and having meals around a table and telling each other about our day.
• I miss going on long car journeys, even to Tesco or to Asda, and getting treated with ice cream or chocolate.
• I miss being able to ring you any time I want and tell you about my dramas.
• I miss coming home to you and getting a hug when I come in.
• I miss when you called me, and I thought it was annoying, but actually it is because you cared so much.
• I miss when I could ask you for anything without feeling bad about it.
• I miss treating you on your birthdays and on father and mother’s day.
• I miss having you there on my birthday and opening presents and cards together.
• I miss going on holiday and spending hours and hours in the arcade.
• I miss singing and performing in front of you and you pretending that I’m a superstar.
• I miss watching boring programmes like Time Team and just mocking it while you watch it.
• I miss nagging you to play card games with me and monopoly on Christmas morning.
• I miss coming into your bed on Sunday mornings for breakfast in bed.
• I miss racing home from school and telling you my latest grades and showing you my work.
• I miss I could take back everything I did that hurt you.
• I miss talking about you.
• I miss your voice.
• I miss you.

Today has been rough. I love you both x

All I want for Christmas is you, Mum and Dad: Day two

“I feel unhappy. I am so sad. I lost the best friend. That I’ve ever had.” A quote from one of my favourite songs at the moment, Changes, by Ozzy Osbourne and Kelly Osbourne and to me, a fitting quote which sums up how I feel on a day to day basis.

Today seems to be a bit more difficult, I think it is because University work is getting a bit tougher, and therefore I feel more stressed in general. I am trying to keep things together, but I am starting to feel that the cracks are becoming clear. Although, today I did get through the day quite easily, getting motivated this morning was a struggle, but at least I got up and went into University and did something with my day.

I think, realistically, it is going to get harder by the day. I mean I can’t really help that, it is just how it must go. I just want them to be here with me putting up Christmas decorations and just having dinner around a table with them, you know little things, but honestly, these little things really ARE everything. I took advantage of them, for sure, I mean we all do, I still take advantage of things as I am used to how things are, but of course things change. So when that change rocks your world that is when you come crashing back down to Earth and realize how lucky you was and are. You wish you could have done more, seen more, say more and just live more. Of course dwelling and regretting the past gets you no-where in the present, but it is hard not to think about what you could have done and what if you did.

So memory number two of memory lane, is my last every birthday party with both my mum and dad. I was hitting the the big 1-3, and my parents decided to hire out a hall for me and some friends with a DJ, and believe me this was so cool for a 12 year old at the time. I had all my friends there and had a really good night. Although my mum was ill she stayed as long as she could with me, although it wasn’t the whole night, it was great that she was there at all. Although that was nearly 8 years ago it probably was my favourite memory of my life which I will treasure forever. She dressed me up in all white, an outfit which she helped me pick and brought for me. There are so many photos from that night of everyone having fun and dancing the killer tunes from S Club 7 and Blue.

Although I know it did happen, sometimes it doesn’t feel real as it seems so long ago, but in no time at all the photos remind me of that amazing night, which I will never forget.

I miss you Mum, thank you for everything and being there for me for 13 years and preparing me for being an adult. You are my star, the brightest their is in the sky.

I wish I could have had more time with you. I am so jealous of everyone who gets to sit down at night at talk to their mum on the phone about the latest gossip in their life, I wish I could do that too. I just want you home where you belong and be a family again. I would do anything to see you again, just for one minute. I do not want to look at photos any more, I want to make more memories with you and share more amazing and fun moments together. Don’t get me wrong I am lucky that you was even a part of my life. I had such an incredible angel by side, and what makes it great, is that I called you Mum.

As you may know already, I am doing 25 posts up to Christmas day, in order to distract myself that I am in the most horrible month, as both my mum and dad passed away during December (click the links if you want to read more about it.)  I kicked off yesterday, with my first blog!

All I want for Christmas is you, Mum and Dad

From yesterday’s blog, I told you that December is a hard month for me and I was thinking today and last night that instead of it affecting me I would embrace it. So for the next 25 days until Christmas day I will be sharing some thoughts and some of my favourite memories of my Mum and Dad, so it feels like they are still here with me.

So here are a list of things which made today successful:

• I had my first proper exam of final year at University, and it went really well. Despite the fact that it’s now December, I remained positive and I stayed calm and did the best that I could have done.
• Sleep is definitely not for the weak. I felt so refreshed this morning and it really makes a difference to my day. I am still up and productive and it is nearly midnight.
• My essay is due two weeks today and instead of worrying about and putting it off for another day I decided to make a start to it and although it’s not a crisp and final draft, I have nearly 1,000 words.
• Plans for the new move in January are in motion, so hopefully a moving date will be on the cards soon.

So today marks the countdown to the first anniversary on the calendar, which is my Dad’s anniversary. So to honour him I will share one of my favourite memories that I shared with him, which is difficult as there have been so many!

I remember when this photo was taken. It was in the back garden at my old house and I think I just got a new phone so I was taking photos of us together. After I lost my mum, I literally took photos whenever I could – even if it was stupid ones of him watching television. This photo literally sums up him and our relationship. We were so close and we would be silly together, yes he was my Dad, but he literally was my best friend. He never used to smile in photographs, he always used to pull faces, just like this one. When I did get a smile out of him, it was a rare occurrence. One of my favourite memories with him was on his last father’s day we shared together. I cooked him dinner and I got him the biggest card I have ever brought anyone and he loved it. I baked him a cake that turned out to be a disaster, but he still ate it. I think it was my favourite as it was the last father’s day I celebrated with him. For me, the hardest thing is that I only have photos to look at. No more memories will be shared. I think on important days and special occasions it is a hundred times more difficult as I want him to celebrate with me and see his reactions to my achievements. Although he is not here he guides me through each day and I am grateful that he’s my Dad.

A letter to my angels: Mum and Dad

Only one day to go until December starts, and for many, this is a time of year where everyone is rushing around to get last minute presents and spending quality time with loved ones, and that goes for me as well, but no matter how many people I have around me and what exciting things I get up to in the festive period, there is still a big part of me missing..

I’m not sure if each December gets easier, or just comes round too quickly, but I know as soon as it does come, it will be a struggle to get through the 31 days. Of course, it is infectious when I see children smiling and excited to see what Santa has given them and I do enjoy seeing people happy, but there always is a part of me that wishes I can join them and be happy.

This is the 5th Christmas I will have without any parents and sometimes I have to process it in my mind in order to realise that this is my life. I’ll be honest with you all, most of the time it does not seem real, which is probably why I get through each day without any trouble at all. Of course, I am not a robot, and I do have feelings, so sometimes I will crash to the ground and it is hard to get back up, but somehow and somewhere deep inside I find the strength to get on with things. The saddest thing for me is that this has become my life, I mean I can’t hide from it, I have to embrace it. So in theory as I am so used to it, sometimes I block it out and numbness kicks in..

I look upon this life event as one of the most hardest but also the most life-changing event of my life, and I mean that in a positive way. I have become stronger, I have learnt to forgive and not hold grudges, I have learnt to reflect and learn from things, I try and fill my brain with kindness and good thoughts and see the best in things and people. Most importantly I remain positive.

If you asked me four years ago what I would be doing, I wouldn’t know. I was lost, confused and lonely. I had no optimism for the future and not having any parents to guide me, I mean, where would I start? And now, I look at myself. Although there have been down times, exhausting times, stressful times and sad times, there have also been brilliant, amazing, surreal and happy times. At 17 I moved house and started to become an adult. I have gone back to University and I have loved it. I have had breakthroughs in my Journalism career and on top of that, I still have many good people around me which fill with me love and motivation. So in fairness, life is great.

I would like to highlight though, that ANYONE can do ANYTHING if you put your mind to it. I know this too well. Before all this happened I had an amazing life I had two well parents, a dog and I was living together with my family. I had no worries, I had money which I could spend on anything and not on bills and I felt secure and stable. The one worry that I did have was if anything happened to my parents, which is normal, and I thought it something happened I wouldn’t survive. Now, it has been 8 years since I saw my mum and 4 years since I saw my dad, and I am still here, smiling. Sometimes you shock yourself on how much you can deal with and how well you are at dealing with difficult situations.

Next year I have Graduation, which will be a bitter-sweet time, and I am moving in January, which I can’t WAIT for. Although it will still be a rocky road and I’m not saying that things are 100% amazing, because they will never be.Over the years I have developed as a person and although I have been thrown into the deep end and have experienced things and seen things that most people I know haven’t even been close to, I would not change my life for the world. I am a strong believer that “what ever happens, happens for a reason” which I still believe until this day. If you believe you can do something, you can. Don’t listen to anyone’s negativity and do what makes you happy and successful. Yes, you may have to leave some people behind, but who cares, you are probably better off without them.The more you become yourself and become independent, the more you realise that you truly can succeed.

Because of this life event, I know nothing that life throws at me will break me. 

I know you are proud of me and are guiding me, so I thank you for supporting me. I love you.

P.S: If you want to read more about this life event I wrote two of the hardest blogs last year about the events that happened on the 22nd December 2006 and the 8th December 2010. 

happy father’s day, daddy.

So another year has past by and father’s day has come around again. It is a day that I don’t really like, but it makes me think of you even more than if it was a normal day. I miss waking you up with breakfast in bed with a flower I cut from the garden and wrestling Lucky in order for me to fit in the bed. I miss treating you like a king and doing whatever you wanted me to do, even if it was just for Father’s Day. I’ll start of by saying that you was the most amazing and incredible man I have ever met, and probably will ever meet. The one who understands my mood swings and could have made me laugh and smile like no-one else could. Over the years each day reminds me how much you meant to me and how much I would love to spend one more day with you. I have learnt to deal with it in ways I thought was not even possible and it has made me so strong and grateful for everything and for the people I have around me today. I will never under estimate how much you did for me, you tried your best to make my life as happy and enjoyable as possible. Although you heart was breaking when Mum was taken from us you fought it out like a true solider and was there for me constantly. Sometimes I wish that we spent more quality time together as although we was with each 24/7, it still wasn’t enough time. I want to go back to Great Yarmouth, Blackpool and all the other seasides we went to. I will definitely be thinking of you when I go to Blackpool next month, but of course it will not be the same without you and your complaints to whoever you can find and the long car journey up there and spending hours in the arcade.

Without the 17 years of love from you I wouldn’t have turned out so amazing, right? ;) All the qualities I have reflect you, the man who literally would do anything for me and to anyone who I loved and cared for as well, like my friends. You have left a mark on them as well, everyone who met you can not believe you are gone forever. There is always someone thinking about you and the times that you shared with them, mostly me.

I hope you are proud of me and my achievements and how far I have come over the 4 years. I knew I was always capable of pulling through each day and knowing that you are looking over me makes me more determined to be the best at everything I do. I know I have made mistakes and you have been watching all my movements and I am sorry, but do not worry I will take care of myself.

Say Hi to Mum and give her a big kiss and a hug, hope you both are

I love you forever and ever and ever, stay close to me:

Daddy’s Princess X

I’m really sorry I can’t be beside you today, but I will be thinking about you constantly. I will visit you as soon as I get back.

 

Happy Birthday Mum

To Mum,

I’ll start of by saying; HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I really hope you have a lovely day with Dad, I just wish we were altogether as a family celebrating it with you. People say that ‘times a healer’ and I do agree, but it seems it has only got harder.

This is the 8th Birthday without you, but it stills feels like the first one back in 2007. I mean I just want to give you presents and spoil you, and most importantly, see your face. It is hard to admit, but sometimes, I forget your face because it has been such a long time, but don’t worry I look at your beautiful photos everyday, so my mind is refreshed instantly.

It really isn’t fair at all. I should be looking at you, not looking at a photo. I should be making more memories with you, not looking back on them and missing them. I just want the littlest things; a hug, a kiss, brush my hair, cook me dinner, which to be honest a lot of people take for granted. I just don’t want to feel alone. I wanna feel loved again. I want to go to a place I call home, not just an empty, cold flat, with no-one to greet me when I come home. It has been horrible.

The pain still hits me like a tonne of bricks each day. At first loosing you was the hardest thing in my life, and then a few years later, Dad joins you. I mean, knowing that I have to live through the day without you and dad is impossible at times. Sometimes I ask myself why me, did I really deserve this? No, I didn’t. There are murderers, rapists and other sick people out there and they still have their parents, that can’t be fair, can it? It really just make me annoyed with this unjust world I live in.

People say that I will see you again, but to be honest, is this actually true? I mean, I would love that 100%, but it seems quite unlikely. Maybe I’m just being pessimistic, so sorry. If it is true I just can’t wait for that day, it would be the happiness day of my life and I really do look forward to it.

Until then, all I can say is that everyone here misses you and wants you home. We love you and we will never forget you and the memories we all shared.

Love you, my angel X